By: Dr. Phyllis Bivins-Hudson
Well, it’s January, and happy new year to everyone. Thank you for returning to this page and engaging with me further.
I am not going to begin the new year with a set of resolutions that I know I won’t keep longer than 3 months.
However, what I am going to do is start with a phrase for January and share my views about what that expression means to me.
I hope you will be inspired by it as well—even if being inspired means reading it, taking it all in, and then devising your phrase for a candid discussion with friends or whoever matters to you.
In our daily existence and beyond, we often find ourselves using terminology, individual words, quips and quotes, expressions, idioms, parables, and the like.
We do so out of habit and necessity. We do so to be understood and to convey messages.
But how often have you examined with purpose, one or some of the phrases you use? I sometimes use them, not giving them a second thought. They just seem to be appropriate at the time.
One phrase in particular that I have come to employ quite a bit, having used it many times over the years and continue to do so even more as I have matured is: “That’s your issue and I choose not to make it mine.”
While seemingly simple, the phrase has a depth of meaning. Let’s take a look.
One way to look at the meaning of the phrase is to say that while you recognize there is a problem, you have also discerned that the problem belongs to someone else.
However, based on how the phrase is conveyed, it may be construed as being rude. Yet, when I use the phrase unless I am a bit perturbed by the person I am referencing, I will say it to someone else—that’s his issue and I choose not to make it mine.
This can be opined as a deflection, which helps to avoid sounding confrontational or combative to the person.
On the other hand, the phrase can be interpreted as being impertinent and infers that you are not responsible for dealing with a particular problem; further, you decidedly won’t help the person, leaving him to resolve the issue on his own.
I must say, I have often felt the desire to use the phrase sarcastically, but also felt it necessary to speak it with as much compassion as I can. In the latter, I am deliberately trying not to be rude but I still feel the phrase is appropriate for the particulars. In this case, as well as others, the tenor of the phrase or its interpretation is left solely to the recipient.
Then, there is that moment when I have purposely chosen to use the phrase as a way to shut down a conversation before it goes to a place where I’m uncomfortable or where I choose not to be. Hence, the pronouncement can also be placating.
While I may not necessarily be trying to disarm the situation, I do feel the issue will directly affect me, therefore, I am using the phrase to steel myself. Generally, my response in such an instance is to make it clear to the other party that I am not interested in being involved in a problem I did not engender.
On a completely different level, in literary terms, we see Marcus Aurelius using the phrase when he states, “If any man despises me, that is his problem. My only concern is not doing or saying anything deserving of contempt.”
He’s making sure it is understood that he has no reservation about the circumstances in this situation and being who he was, probably could not be more indifferent to what others thought of him making his point.
One endpoint for consideration about this phrase is that it can move forward disparagingly in certain relationships, i.e. a partnership or marriage. In other words, when a partner or spouse has an issue, it’s probably not healthy to bolster a lack of concern.
No partner or spouse wants to feel alone when there’s trouble brewing, no matter how serious or lighthearted the issue may be.
When in a relationship, all parties want to feel like they have each other’s back. They are in the thing together. That doesn’t mean each person is without a say in the matter, however, you don’t want to communicate the narrative that your partner or spouse is out there on a limb all alone, without your support.
Support can look different for each scenario, consequently, there is no one-size-fits-all approach around the kind of response expected. For instance, you may decide which of you is better qualified to address an issue or you may decide it’s an issue you can both confront together, which may even be better.
But remembering that you are both supposed to care for each other is pivotal. If that is your guiding principle, then whatever the issue, it won’t be construed as “that’s your issue…”
Ensuring that everything is in order, will help eliminate the feeling of your partner or spouse being dismissive. Feeling slighted or unsupported can be a huge problem.
In any case, the bond you have hopefully formed with your partner or spouse should be strong enough to carry you both through any issue.
So, the next time you choose to use that phrase or any other phrase, think about how you intend it to be received and perceived. Is its reception how you intended it to be? Intention matters.
Let me know what you think in the comments. But until then, keep flying on your own wings. See you in February.