By: Phyllis Bivins-Hudson
July is well-known, at least in the United States, for its dog days of summer, heated nights, vacations, and staycations. But I’d like to offer something a little different for consideration this July.
Ever heard of a blended family, a stepfamily, or a “ bonus family”?
Well, these blended, step, or “bonus families” have become quite common.
They are born when two people from previous relationships have decided to start a family together with themselves and the children they both have from their previous relationships.
This family could also include what has been coined a “yours-mine-and-ours” situation, which simply means there is a child or children who belong to each of the adult partners individually and then a child or children who belong to the couple jointly.
Another way of explaining this unit is to say the children in your new family may be biological siblings (two biological parents in common), half-siblings (one biological parent in common), or step-siblings (no biological parents in common).
Added to these results is the fact that the children involved may live with both of you all the time or some of the time if shared custody is a part of the arrangements or occasionally if a child is in college or has moved away.
This, in effect, is a blended family or what has become affectionately known as a “bonus family.”
The characteristics of these families can and do vary quite a bit.
They can do so by race, age of the children, and today, by same-sex couples. Regardless of the characteristics, the excitement in establishing this new family may not be shared with the children who come as additions to the family unit.
So, do not be surprised if your new stepchild or stepchildren don’t share your same enthusiasm. Remember, in their minds, they have been faced with the idea of having to choose between two parents.
This can cause them to feel animosity toward the new parent and guilt or betrayal toward the parent “left behind”.
Hence, be diligent about having an open, honest, and serious conversation about what the two of you want or expect your blended family to look like before you move everyone into this new space and situation.
HelpGuide suggests waiting for at least 2 years or more before making a decision to blend your family. While it doesn’t guarantee success, the organization does suggest that taking your time, has been documented to have its highest rate of success after this 2 or more years of wait time.
Upon close examination of these family dynamics, it has been determined that they share characteristics set apart from traditional nuclear family units.
So, for July, whether you have plans already or not, if you are a member of a “bonus family”, take some time out to explore some of the ways you can make your blended family a success or improve on what is already working.
Then plan to make a “bonus family” celebration during the month of July annually and look for ways to continue to celebrate your family unit as much as possible.
Let’s talk about how to avoid some of the snafus of “bonus family” units.
Your family will be what you make it. But understand clearly that it is not likely to be a Brady Bunch unit. However, it will be exactly what you put into it.
According to “the US Census Bureau, about 15% of children live in blended families.” (Psychology Today).
With the popularity of the “bonus family” continuing to grow, it is important for all of us to understand the dynamics of this kind of family unit since we all reside in one big society where the intent is to understand and respect the family dynamics of all kinds of family structures.
That being said: How can the bonus family become a family?
We have to consider everyone involved.
The newlyweds are likely to be ok because their marriage made them a union, even though, as a stepparent, there may be some feelings of resentment toward them from their newly acquired stepchildren.
However, the children can experience other confusions and fluctuating emotions.
So, let’s take a look at some possible strategies to support the making of a “bonus family” that can work.
First and foremost, come to an understanding that you have uprooted your child(ren) and interrupted their lives.
Therefore, the first order of business is to listen to them. Take mental notes on how they are feeling and how you can help them feel like they are as much a part of this new family as anyone else. Then act on their responses as best you can, but don’t try to make too many changes at once because there are others to consider, and too much too soon could cause pushback from that child or all of the other children.
So, it would be best if you trod lightly. Take the time to really listen, which also means using those opportunities as mental stimulation for growing your relationship with the child.
This, by the way, goes for any and all of the children in this new relationship.
Next to listening is involvement. Make it a point to become authentically involved in a relationship with your stepchild and invite him/her/them into your world as well. Then look for ways to unite them. Find common interests between or among them.
For instance, what do they each like that is the same? Is it a movie, a sport, a restaurant, a favorite food, a music group, etc.? Help them to explore these areas together. The teamwork will help lessen the stranger syndrome.
Consider these questions as well, How will rules be established? Who will be responsible for discipline? Should our homes be combined?
Let’s explore each of these just a bit.
When it comes to any household, rules must be set and in place so that everyone understands the dos, don’ts, and non-negotiables of the household.
Think about how these will be established, who will establish them, and who will enforce them. It’s always smart to include everyone in the household when rules are established.
When each person is involved in setting or making the rules, he/she will be more committed to them and, therefore, have more buy-in because of his/her role.
Be sure to establish a time to set these rules when everyone is available and has ample time to devote to the process. If someone says they have another time commitment, keep searching your calendars until you arrive at a time that everyone can be on board.
Avoid the look of frustration if a common time doesn’t come easily. When the meeting occurs, make sure if a mediator hasn’t been assigned, at least have a plan in your head as to how to handle the conversation in the event it gets too intense.
The goal is to hear everyone, respect everyone, and consider everyone’s contribution whether big or small. Ultimately, everyone should have a voice and that voice should be clearly heard.
While you may already have some house rules in mind, here is a short list for your consideration, your rewording, etc.
- Respect each other’s property—do not “borrow” something without consent.
- Clean up after you have made a mess.
- Allow anyone speaking to do so without interruption.
- Refrain from calling family members derogatory names.
- Never make light of a family member’s disability.
These are just suggestions. Each family’s dynamics will dictate the rules that should apply in their home.
Discipline can be difficult with biological children, so it stands to reason that it can be even more difficult with stepchildren.
This is why it is important to have conversations around these concerns sooner than later.
Depending on their age, stepchildren will try you because they are well aware that you are not their parent. They will remind you of that fact whenever they deem it necessary. They also know how to push your buttons and want to know your limitations.
And lest we forget, they will test you to see if you are a pushover. Keep in mind that you are not the biological parent and therefore, it is wise to have a clear understanding of your own boundaries with the child or children.
Most of the time, it is advised that you should not be expected to discipline the child as the stepparent. If, however, the child is very young, too young to know the difference between the biological parent and the stepparent, you might be expected to discipline the child.
But this, too, should be a discussion with the other parent, and any discipline should be done with love, fairness, and good intentions.
With all the ups and downs, the testing, rules, discipline, etc. there might come a time when the question is posed—Should our homes be combined?
Hopefully, this is a question that will be explored before the two families are blended.
If the intent is to move forward with creating a blended experience for your family, know that there are some advantages for doing so.
And after understanding how difficult the dynamics of a blended family can be, with hard work, love, respect, understanding, communication, patience, and whatever else is encountered in your new family blend, it can work.
HelpGuide, RemarriageSuccess.com, and Verywellmind have offered some basic considerations to help with your family situation. These include:
- Manage finances to be able to share the cost-of-living expenses.
- Work to create stronger bonds with all the members of the family.
- Strive to have a solid marriage in place before deciding to set up your new family.
- Be civil with each other on purpose.
- Take advantage of the diverse perspectives from various backgrounds, values, traditions, etc.
- Show family respect to each other regardless of the family member’s status in the family unit.
- Encourage family members to hone their social skills through healthy communication opportunities.
- Have compassion for all members’ places of development in whatever stage of their development.
- Offer extended support where needed, understanding that you now have a larger circle from which to draw. Solicit the support of some of the others too.
- Allow room to grow so that the family members begin spending more time together naturally.
Where there are benefits to be enjoyed and employed in a blended family, there are challenges as well. Verywellmindsuggest these:
- Adjustments can include all family members, but especially children who may be accustomed to the ways things used to be while parents make more subtle adjustments.
- Complex dynamics include all the relationships discussed earlier—biological parents, stepparents, co-parents, biological siblings, stepsiblings, and half-siblings. These different dynamics can be a challenge, but they can also work with the proper nurturing and care.
- Insecurity includes children who may feel uncared for because they don’t recognize their place or role in this new configuration. Feeling this way could also promote unhealthy competition between or among siblings.
- Different parenting styles include different rules and ways of doing things, which may become an issue. This can sometimes become problematic because children have to live in two different households where the rules, etc., are different from what they are accustomed to. Be patient with the process.
- Divided loyalties sometimes interfere with relationship building because the child or children may be caught in the middle of trying to show loyalty to their biological parents and stepparents.
- Ex-partner interactions become a sore spot in the parenting framework when exes aren’t always willing to cooperate. Communication is key, and when it breaks down, there can be tension, conflict, and attitude.
- Financial considerations can be a challenge because blending a family means an increased number of people to feed and care for. This problem can become exacerbated when other issues around finances get in the way. These can include a lack of child support, alimony, and the cost of living associated with managing an increased number of family members.
In addition to these challenges, some added challenges may include mental health conditions, substance abuse, and obesity. These areas of concern are why it is crucial that all parents involved be intentional about putting their children first, whether biological or stepchildren!
Finally, we can all use effective support strategies, so here are a few to consider in your journey to becoming a blended or “bonus family.”
- Take it slow in order to build trust by allowing everyone to navigate at his/her own pace.
- Maintain consistency, allowing as few disruptions to the routines in place as possible.
- Coordinate schedules using calendars that might be maintained on phones, computers, tablets, refrigerators, walls, etc. Make sure everyone is on the same page. You might even consider creating a group chat or a family text. Whatever is decided, be sure activities, events, etc., are well documented and attended as much as possible.
- Develop mutual interests that everyone can enjoy doing together. These will help create memories.
- Create shared traditions that provide a sense of belonging and togetherness.
- Focus on the positive by celebrating milestones, accomplishments, and efforts toward making the family unit work cohesively.
- Respect individual differences with an understanding that not everyone will be the same and no one wants to be compared to the other.
- Have constructive conversations in which everyone can share whatever he/she wants to contribute without feeling judged or criticized.
- Manage conflict constructively by modeling and teaching children how to respectfully resolve conflict and agree to disagree.
I think it’s worth noting that some partners continue to live in separate households and decide to blend their families when their children are ready for college.
This can make a world of difference in the household dynamics. In my case, one of my children was preparing to leave for college and the other was preparing to leave from college.
This was very helpful because the three children never lived in the house at the same time. However, there were and still are times when they had consistent, quality family time together.
At the end of it all, a “bonus family” can be rewarding and challenging, but to make it work, you must learn to accept your new relationship, what comes with it and not take everything personally.
This will help. Trust me, I know.
I am a lifetime partner in a blended relationship that has experienced its trials and tribulations.
Still, after 33 years, things have reached a place where we sit and talk about the old and celebrate the newness that has come as a result of us raising our children in a blended experience, now enjoying our grandchildren, and staying the course.
Is our current “bonus family” perfect? No, it is not.
It never will be. And we don’t expect it to be because we recognized before entering into our union together, that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. But July is a great time to jump in there and make some changes or just start anew.
Who knows, by next July and all the Julys to follow, you and your “bonus family” may have established your own traditions and memories.
Good luck and while you’re at it, keep flying on your own wings.
